Archive for Political Satire
Twas the night
Posted by: | CommentsTwas the night before Christmas and all through the land
We tried to find to solace, in the troubles at hand.
The markets in meltdown, our 401’s toast
The Fed cuts the rates, but the banks are all closed.
The politicians all squabble, with the dems in command
The GOP had been routed, like Custer’s last stand
When out in DC, there arose such a clatter?
I turned to CNN to see what was the matter.
Team Obama and Michelle were planning their ball
With buffed pecks and cute kids, he’d come to save us all
Now Nancy, now Harry
Now Levin and Waxman
On Murtha, on Rangle
On Dodd and on Clinton!
Raise all the taxes, and raise the capital gains
Tax it if it moves by truck or by trains
Spend all you want, spend a billion here and two there
We pay it back later, nobody will care
Shouldn’t we save Mr. Presidnet? Shouldn’t we try to be thrifty?
Who though hope and change meant top tax rates at fifty?
But I heard exclaim as he became leader of our land
Don’t worry bout a thing folks, hope and change are at hand.
(Sorry, I couldn’t resist, and I am bored stiff waiting for tonight’s Christmas services.)
The All Mighty Truth About Elections…
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While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
‘Welcome to heaven,’ says St. Peter. ‘Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem . We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.’
‘No problem, just let me in,’ says the man.
‘Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.’
‘Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,’ says the senator.
‘I’m sorry, but we have our rules.’
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises..
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
‘Now it’s time to visit heaven.’
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.
They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
‘Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven.
Now choose your eternity.’ 
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers:
‘Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.’
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ‘I don’t understand,’ stammers the senator.
‘Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?’
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ‘Yesterday we were campaigning ……. Today you voted.’
We trip over them on the sidewalk every day. We curse, hand them a dollar, or don’t. We feel pity, guilt and rage at their presence. The city spends $200 million a year trying to get homeless people off the streets and into a better way of life - but over 20 years, the problem has only gotten worse.
The more able of the homeless find their way into shelters, counseling and housing programs. But the most chronically indigent, called the hard core, steadfastly refuse most help and stay outside. These 3,000 to 5,000 homeless at the very bottom are the most visible, and they give the city its dubious distinction of having what many call the worst homeless problem in the country. SF Chronicle
Dianne Feinstein is stupid rich. According to opensecrets.org her net worth is somewhere between $52,344,301 and $115,998,023. That’s nearly $116 MILLION Dollars! She ranks 6th among all members of the Senate.
While Dianne sleeps snugly in her comfortable mansion San Francisco’s homeless trudge hopelessly through the streets, pushing shopping carts, eating from dumpsters, or if lucky, getting relief from one of the city’s homeless shelters.
Maybe she doesn’t give to charity, maybe she does, but how much money does a person need? The government should take some of Dianne Feinstein’s considerable wealth and use to to fund relief for the city’s homeless. It’s a matter of fairness.
In a country as rich as the United States Of America it is a travesty that there are billionaires riding around in plush corporate jets while children are at risk without the simplest of safety devices in their school buses, safety belts.
As a matter of fairness, billionaires like Warren Buffett should be taxed to pay for school bus seat belts. The guy has $62 billion dollars, he won’t even miss it.
American Liberals Sneak Into Canada At Prospect Of A McCain-Palin Administration
Posted by: | CommentsFrom the MANITOBA HERALD, Canada
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The possibility of a McCain/Palin election is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they’ll soon be required to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O’Reilly.
Canadian border farmers say it’s not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields
at night. ‘I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,’ said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders Nort h Dakota . The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken.
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. ‘Not real effective,’ he said. ‘The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn’t give milk.’
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. ‘A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions,’ an Ontario border patrolman said. ‘I found one carload without a drop of drinking water.’ They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though.’
When liberals are caught, they’re sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fea r retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the McCain administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to shoot wolves from airplanes, deny evolution, and act out drills preparing them for the Rapture.
In recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers on Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney hits to prove they were alive in the ’50s. ‘If they can’t identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age,’ an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. ‘I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can’t support them,’ an Ottawa resident said. ‘How many art history and English majors does one country need?’
Since We’ll All Be Working Till We’re 90, Why Not Have A Laugh
Posted by: | CommentsWhether the financial meltdown was inevitable or is a self fulfilling prophesy induced by the by expectations put on the bailout plan by President Bush, many of us are now wondering if we’ll be working till we’re 90.
The Dow suffered its worst one-day point loss ever on Monday after the House of Representatives failed to pass a $700 billion financial bailout plan aimed at rescuing Wall Street from the most serious credit crisis since the Great Depression. source
So why not have a chuckle before we chuck ourselves out the 10th floor window over our losses. Here are some of the conglomerates we can expect to do business with if we have any money after all the bankruptcies, buyouts and consolidations are over.
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa .
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronic s and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!
And finally…
9. Victoria ’s Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBangBang
I know, dumb… What the hell.
REQUEST FOR URGENT BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP- Nigerian Letter Scam Comes Home
Posted by: | CommentsDEAR AMERICAN:
I NEED TO ASK YOU TO SUPPORT AN URGENT SECRET BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP WITH A TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF GREAT MAGNITUDE.
I AM MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY OF THE REPUBLIC OF AMERICA. MY COUNTRY HAS HAD CRISIS THAT HAS CAUSED THE NEED FOR LARGE TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF 800 BILLION DOLLARS US. IF YOU WOULD ASSIST ME IN THIS TRANSFER, IT WOULD BE MOST PROFITABLE TO YOU.
I AM WORKING WITH MR. PHIL GRAM, LOBBYIST FOR UBS, WHO WILL BE MY REPLACEMENT AS MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY IN JANUARY. AS A SENATOR, YOU MAY KNOW HIM AS THE LEADER OF THE AMERICAN BANKING DEREGULATION MOVEMENT IN THE 1990S. THIS TRANSACTIN IS 100% SAFE.
THIS IS A MATTER OF GREAT URGENCY. WE NEED A BLANK CHECK. WE NEED THE FUNDS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE. WE CANNOT DIRECTLY TRANSFER THESE FUNDS IN THE NAMES OF OUR CLOSE FRIENDS BECAUSE WE ARE CONSTANTLY UNDER SURVEILLANCE. MY FAMILY LAWYER ADVISED ME THAT I SHOULD LOOK FOR A RELIABLE AND TRUSTWORTHY PERSON WHO WILL ACT AS A NEXT OF KIN SO THE FUNDS CAN BE TRANSFERRED.
PLEASE REPLY WITH ALL OF YOUR BANK ACCOUNT, IRA AND COLLEGE FUND ACCOUNT NUMBERS AND THOSE OF YOUR CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN TO WALLSTREETBAILOUT@TREASURY.GOV SO THAT WE MAY TRANSFER YOUR COMMISSION FOR THIS TRANSACTION. AFTER I RECEIVE THAT INFORMATION, I WILL RESPOND WITH DETAILED INFORMATION ABOUT SAFEGUARDS THAT WILL BE USED TO PROTECT THE FUNDS.
YOURS FAITHFULLY MINISTER OF TREASURY PAULSON
From the Lew Rockwell Blog.
News Flash-Obama Running Mate Leaked
Posted by: | CommentsSactoDan at National Republicrat has received an advance MMS text message disclosing Obama’s choice for his running mate.
Though the choice makes sense, this may be disinformation so we are currently investigating.
